endless fighting arguing and mayhem
is this what remains of years of marriage
the petals now blown from this long red rose stem
all that remains is a broken carriage
i now know why they all give up give in
doing their own thing separately alone
going through the motions of family spin
blotting out the irritation at home
non communication misunderstood
dreadful wounds inflicted by what is said
spend as much time out far more than i should
hours on end weeping lying locked in bed
and when one dies the other must feign grief
final escape and great sigh of relief
ugh...this is tough and sad...great images like the petals blown from red rose stem..things broken...i think..either they should try to rebuild or leave in time...
ReplyDeleteThanks Claudia
Deletehaha nice job on those last lines...i guess for some it might surely be a relief...
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian
DeleteWell here's the thing - this is a good poem, but it's not a sonnet, although it is a start. If you've heard the whinging we've all been doing, that's the reason why. It's so demanding and with every line, a part of your mind says, "aren't we there yet?" And this is a noble subject (one I tackled myself from a different viewpoint).
ReplyDeleteSo here's what you (ugh, I know) still have to do. The poem is one of fourteen lines so you're missing a whole quatrain. Your lines are just about 10 syllables long but they're not iambic - that requires that kind of heartbeat sound soft-hard, or unstressed stressed. I live in Texas we hit all syllables hard. Most of our words we say as spondees - words like football or billboard so most of the time I keep another page open to the dictionary and if I am not absolutely sure where the stress is, I look it up; it should have a u like symbol over the first, and a __ over the second syllable; but remember if you have an unstressed word like "a" or "the" in front of it then you will need a word that starts with a stress. It sounds confusing but you get used to it..you just have to mark your stresses some way like putting those syllables in all caps for example.
The last trick is that there should be a shift or turn on line 9 to make the volta and hopefully something surprising, or unusual in the last couplet.
Keep working on this poem. It's a good start--just not quite there yet. OK. Hope that helps.
Thanks Gaye.
DeleteSadly, there is much truth in what you write.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cosmo
DeleteI remember my father crying at my mother's funeral -- after divorce for 5 years and never talking. Was it relief or sorrow -- I had no idea and never will.
ReplyDeleteThanx for the poem.
Humans are such complex creatures Sabio,it takes a life time to understand yourself, let alone any one else.
DeleteBeautifully observed - and somehow even more poignant with the photo you chose.
ReplyDelete